Some thoughts

Children I talk to about how they feel about their changed family life will often use the term ‘annoying’. We adults might use the word 'annoying' about a buzzing mosquito, or a parking ticket.⁣

But with gentle inquiry, it invariably transpires that for a child,’ 'annoying’ often means something much bigger, wider and deeper.⁣

Do you remember feeling homesick as a child? That deep tug in the chest when you were away from home — maybe at school camp, at a sleepover? A lump in the throat. Homesickness is really about yearning. An absence of the familiar. Loss.

Manageable short term, but when this loss and yearning becomes protracted, dependent on court hearings about the missing parent, then the situation for the child becomes profoundly dangerous to the child’s developmental wellbeing.

The very same parents who were once able to be a salve to a child’s temporary homesickness are now locked in dispute - and the child is locked out. ⁣

Worse still is the situation when that child is coerced by the resident parent to keep the door locked against the other previously deeply loved parent. ⁣

As the little boys I met with 3 weeks ago each said, “ I just want things to go back to normal – it’s really annoying.”⁣

The Goldson Model of child participation gives children a chance to talk about these everyday lived realities. ⁣

What makes children feel safe? What do they miss? What do they yearn for ? The small, familiar anchors: “I like it when Dad picks me up from school,” or “I want Mum to still tuck me in.”⁣

When parents hear this feedback from the same mediator who has also met with their children, we can see real shifts in some of the cases – a pinhole of light at the end of a long tunnel. ⁣

A well trained child inclusive family mediator will explain clearly just what the cascade of child adverse impact will be if that child is alienated, and that the solid research tells us just how long term and intergenerational that damage can be.

In my model I see the feedback session to parents as at the very heart of the FDR provision. ⁣I would that the family court system see it that way and ensure parents now about and partake in this (now funded) provision.

What children need most are not grand solutions — but a way back to the small comforts.

A promising start to make that child feel less “annoyed” is to ensure that they are heard.⁣